Mommy

Hey ya'll, it has been a while!

I have been out of chemotherapy treatment for 3 months now and I am trying to navigate my new normal and what I want to be my future. I am still on my HER2 maintenance treatment and my next scan is on the 4th! Now to get down to the nitty gritty.

While attempting to get my life back to normal I learned some news that I was not ready to hear. If you recall from the beginning of this process, there was a significant chance that the chemotherapy would affect my future fertility. I received the news that I did not want to hear a lot earlier than expected: My ovarian function is low and it is unlikely that I will be able to have my own child. It was like a knife to the chest and my heart felt like it exploded. I remember when I was younger and always said that I never wanted kids. It was something I was sure of until I was about 25 and then something changed. I am not sure what it was, but I knew I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I wanted to hear my little baby say mommy someday.

After hearing this news, I had a hard time moving forward. I could feel myself slipping into what used to be a dark depressive state. It's the type of news that can quickly make you relapse to a time in which there was nothing left in your soul. I knew I had to talk to someone about this and determine what I needed to do in order to get through it and make sure I didn't lose myself in the process. I decided it was time to go to therapy again. It was very helpful and it brought me the tools I needed to keep my mind from running away from me. I have snapped back into my old self and into research mode to determine my alternate options. I can't say that I fully accept these alternatives yet, but knowing that there are alternatives does lend some comfort.

As I close the year out I am looking forward to what 2019 will bring. This year has been full of ups and downs, but I can't deny that this has been one of the best years of my life. I have grown so much and really come into myself. My confidence has increased and I have learned that there is still so much good in this world. I feel a sense of purpose and I have grown so much closer to my family and friends. Special shout out to my work family who has made this even more incredible that I could have ever expected. I have never met a greater group of people that will lend support whether they know you personally or not.

In 2019 I want to continue to work on my health both physical and emotional. I now know that physical health is nothing if you are not emotionally healthy. I want to work on living in the now instead of the future. All of my life I have tried to plan what will happen in my future instead of stopping to enjoy the present. Time for a change!!

Thanks to everyone who has been by my side through all of this and to those that will come in the future!