When The Journey Changes

Throughout life I have always been a planner. I like to make sure that if I have any choice in something that I can steer it the way I want for my future. Of course, things don't always work out this way so I have tried to accept things as they come. This change that I have been making in myself prepared me for where I am today. There is no way of knowing how my future will turn out with My Angel. You can read all of the statistics in the world, but at the end of the day there is no magic 8 ball that will tell you how everything will turn out. As I mentioned previously, a big part of my fear was the affect that chemotherapy would have on my fertility. I had a great appointment yesterday with my surgeon in Peoria and she gave me some very enlightening information on this topic that I had not previously known. She explained the process of egg cryopreservation and let me know that estrogen has to be taken in order to stimulate the ovaries and get the eggs. With My Angel being Estrogen/Progesterone positive, this would be directly feeding it and potentially giving it the power to grow. Based on that I have made the choice to forgo fertility preservation. Now, do not, I repeat DO NOT be sad about this, do not feel bad. I feel a calm and I know that after this is all done, if there are any affects, there are options out there. At this point I would rather live and discover those options rather than knowingly put more estrogen in my body. She also provided me with a different stage than what I was previously provided, it is IIB pending additional scans to make sure that it has not metastasized. So there is that update!

Moving on! I keep hearing a common theme of language where people tell me that I am dealing with this really well and I want to give some background on why I think that is. In my first post I mentioned that I suffered from anxiety and depression and last year it was at an all time high. If you have never been through this, the best way I can describe it is feeling like I was in a hole that I didn't know how I got in and I didn't know how to get out of. I had an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. I lost myself and thought I would never find ME again. I truly believe that had I not gone through that, I would not be coping with this as well as I am. Of course, there are hard days when I stress about what treatment will be like, missing work, expenses, etc..., but I can truly say that I don't feel defeated by this as I did when I was dealing with my depression. I feel stronger, I feel like I need to fight for myself. I can't do that if I'm sad all the time so I am choosing not to be. I don't want anyone else to be either. No more sad faces on Facebook!! Yes I'm young, yes it sucks, but this is life and everything happens how it's supposed to. Unfortunately we don't get to know why right away, but accepting that leads to a calm mind.

Until next time!